How to Become a H.O.T A.P.E When Speaking in English

You know, another day I was wondering why some people just can't express themselves in English, and I found that when learning English, for example, it all starts with a flirt, as if you're interested in something that you don’t know and don’t understand but have the feeling that it will be life-changing.

And then, I started to research videos and articles which could help me understand this phenomenon.

As usual, I turned to youtube and asked: How to interact better with people? And one of the video suggestions was: The Science of Flirting: Being a H.O.T.A.P.E. It's obvious I got interested, and to my surprise in the lecture, the first question was: Is this person flirting with me? Have you ever felt that awkward sensation of being chatted up by the other person while in a formal conversation, especially at work?

To chat up: Phrasal verb with chat, which means to start a conversation with the goal of getting someone's attention and start flirting with this person.

This question has plagued us from nearly the beginning of time. And the Social Anthropologist Jean Smith, or ‘flirtologist’ if you will, demonstrates her 6 simple steps known as “H.O.T. A.P.E.” to help answer that very question. And it will forever change your perception of flirting from being a stranger’s evaluation of your worth into what it should be: a fun game!

So, I want to help you understand these six signs of flirting, and show you how it will probably make you interact easily with people when talking to them for the first time or just improve your relationship with people around you. You will learn how to become more confident in speaking and break that ice which is always stopping you from becoming a better communicator.

Here we go!

First of all, let me ask you something, do you know what an acronym is?

Let's google it!

So, H.O.T A.P.E is an acronym for the six signs of flirting.

#1 – ‘H’ is for Humor.

As you must have imagined, 'H' is for Humor. Keep in mind that humor is an important type of communication. It’s the quality of being amusing and comic to someone, especially when you wish you could break the ice and start a conversation. Besides, humor can help you express yourself better.

But a shared sense of humor is something that takes time. It doesn't happen overnight when you're learning a second language because let's face it, you don't have enough active vocabulary to express yourself in English, so my advice is to be open-minded and listen more than speak.

If you think this kind of joke is funny, then go ahead, don’t be shy and start a conversation with the guy, but anyway, if you didn’t laugh, it’s a clear sign you’re not going to match.

Don’t insist on having a conversation because it’s just not going to work between you.

#2 – ‘O’ is for Open Body Language.

Open your mind, it's hard to establish a talk with someone who is closed in the posture, arms crossed, hands in the pockets or looking at you with judgemental eyes. I know you're feeling nervous about speaking but, the body talks and learning how to read it can help you avoid meeting unpleasant people. Trust me, it's possible to know when someone isn't interested in talking just by observing his/her body position.

Sometimes, we use a closed body language because we don’t feel comfortable, or we just don’t feel like talking. Sorry for being that honest, but you’re probably being too narrow-minded with yourself, you judge you can’t have a conversation in English, so you close your body to it.

I’ve heard it all before, "oh but I freeze when I have to speak", or, "I simply forget the words."

Maybe, what is blocking you is your body language. There are three things you need to remember in order to fix your body language while speaking:

Number One: If you’re interested, you must be receptive. So, uncross your arms.
Number Two: Make sure your shoulders are facing the person. Align yourself with the person you’re talking to. When you’re not aligned you show you’re trying to escape the chatting.
And Number Three: Now, the third, this is the most important, and I'm only telling you guys.

Have positive attitudes: smile, comment on the way the conversation flows, show interest and check if the person is also interested in talking to you. To see if someone's interested, look at the direction in which their feet are pointing. So if their feet are pointing at you, a good sign. If they're kind of out to the side, it means they're planning their escape route. The further away our limbs are from our brain, the harder it is for us to control them.

Openness means just that, being open to the other person, or people. Receptiveness, alignment, and a positive attitude are more likely when someone is open and you’re open to them as well. Sometimes, we use a closed body language because we don’t feel comfortable, or we just don’t feel like talking.

#3 – ‘T’ is for Touch.

Like humor, when talking to someone in English, touch can also have a positive response. But be careful, this is an act that can negatively affect you or the other.

As a general rule, the shoulder is a safe place to touch. But as the hand goes down your arms towards the hands, this touch is getting more intimate. And, if it’s not exactly what you want, step back!

Now, of all of the flirting signs, people seem to be worried about using touch. And it’s understandable, because we live in a culture where all kinds of touch seem to be intimate and most of the time abusive and violent, specifically guys, they tend to be too insistent and then all you would say is “Sashay away, stupid!”

In other words, if you’re having just a social conversation with this person, especially at work, please, avoid touching.

#4 – ‘A’ is for Attention.

This one might seem obvious. The more attention someone is paying you, the more they like you.

But the problem is once you are in the interaction, it's really hard to be objective. And so the words just disappear!

This is why in anthropology, they have a methodology, it's called participant observation.

And I think this could be a really useful tool for you to use in speaking. It means that you're participating, and you're in the interaction, but you're not so in this conversation that you can't observe and have more time to think.

So if you were to, for example, say something grammatically wrong and see the other person blushed, it means that you're not so self-conscious that you can't observe the effect that you're having on the other person, and then you can correct yourself or allow them to correct you.

As part of speaking, the action of carefully thinking about, listening to or just watching someone speaking English can have a huge impact on your learning process. Unless of course, you already feel confident to start talking about yourself, you can act like you’re dealing with the situation or you can take special care of a specific subject. The main goal with the attention is to promote interaction, show interest and awareness by giving this person special treatment and attention.

#5 – ‘P’ is for Proximity.

Have you ever heard..."I didn't really like him/her at first, then one day I just did."?

"I didn't really like him/her at first, then one day I just did."

Yeah, I've heard and said that about my students. It's normal at the beginning you find the new teacher boring or find your group is weird and you just don't fit in but as time goes by, to get acquainted with people, you start to decrease the space among you all, and then, this repeated exposure to novel stimuli in classes increases your liking for them. That's why by the end of the 1st semester you don't want your teacher to be changed!

Proximity, when it comes to communication, it means that either you want to know more about someone or you both have already created a bond because you have a lot in common.

Its effects refer to the idea that physical and or psychological nearness to others tends to increase interpersonal liking. And when these interactions are positive and fun, relationships are likely to form.

#6 – ‘E’ is for Eye Contact.

Why is it so important to keep eye-contact?

Well, let's just say that if you're following all the steps above mentioned, what kept you in the chatting was the eye-contact. That's why I usually say my students that it doesn't matter how good students you are if you don't interact with people, you'll never become fluent in English or any other language.

Nowadays, you can do it in many different ways. You go to language schools, travel abroad, join studying groups on social network (but you'll have to make friends if you want to practice your speaking with them) and you can find an online teacher or tutor like me so you can book sessions where you practice your speaking one-on-one, and then improve all your communicative skills.

Becoming fluent in English is like flirting, the more you speak with people, the better you’ll speak.

So, follow the flirtologist advice by using these signs: humor, open body language, touch (only if your true intention is to match with the crush), attention, proximity, eye contact, and you'll be able to recognize when someone is flirting with you in English.

And as a general rule, the more signs the better. Keep in mind that being yourself it’s all that you can do.

And this is the power of these six signs because it turns any talk into what it should be.

It's something fun, easy, it's not a big deal.

And when we think about speaking like this, it totally changes our paradigm of rejection. There’s no need to be afraid of making mistakes anymore because you know you'll have enough time to elaborate your words and you'll speak with more confidence.

And in situations where we're often feeling self-conscious or a bit nervous, we have scientific tools to help us remember what to do.

It’s the perfect time to improve your listening, show interest in the person’s history, observe the way they express themselves in English.

And finally, it makes sense. And then you understand that it's not about us, it's a checklist; it's a task. It’s something natural for the human being.

It's things to do rather than how we often see speaking practice which is a stranger's evaluation of our personal worth.

So now you know the signs of flirting, and I encourage you to not just recognize but be proactive because these signs are also used for you to express interest.

See you!